all the single ladies

Before I met my husband, I was single. I never had a real boyfriend.

There were guys I had kissed, but none of them seemed to want to be in a relationship and those encounters quickly fizzled. I was constantly perplexed about why other girls could get a guy to be willing to be their boyfriend and I could not.

For a while I decided that I didn't want/need a boyfriend, and that things were much better being single. I didn't need a man to validate my existence because I knew that Jesus loved me as I was. And no, Jesus was/is not my boyfriend. This phase went very well for me.

During my time of focused single-hood I made a lot of really monumental decisions for my life. I decided that I didn't want a boyfriend until I met the man who would be my husband. In order to make sure that happened and I didn't go falling for every handsome face that seemed like a godly man, I made a list of qualities I knew I would require in a mate.

I don't remember all of them, but a couple of them were:

• A man who is a reformed Christian
• A man who'd be willing to forego all forms of birth contraceptives
• A man who'd let me homeschool the kids
• A man who wouldn't let me be in control
• etc.

I had been praying (and I still pray this way) that the Lord would form me into the kind of woman that woman was meant to be - woman before the fall and sin. I also prayed for a spouse who would be the man as Adam and men in general were meant to be - before the fall and sin. Now I am not now, nor was I ever foolish enough to think that I would become the perfect woman or find the perfect man. I just know that there is a design that God intended for both men and women in the beginning, and I don't think His purpose has changed ever since. 

I started reading the Word, and trying to understand what that might entail.

This was a really good exercise for me because as I started learning, the more the Lord was able to work on my heart and change my attitudes (quite frankly, He's still doing that). When you start researching gender roles in Scripture, you can't help but read about marriage, submission, leadership, etc. 

When I finally did meet my husband, things went quite a bit different. I played hard to get instead of leaving the door wide open. It was a challenge for him to figure out if he liked me and if I was worth leaving his family to travel half-way across the country to court me. We hashed out our pasts and offered each other forgiveness. We talked about the things that were deal breakers, and the things we'd be willing to sacrifice for the other person before getting into the relationship at all. 

I have found that a lot of people become unhappy in their marriages and divorce because they start to realize that their spouse wants something different than they do, or that they had no idea about this or that aspect of the person until it's too late. They don't talk about the important things at the beginning because they don't want to frighten the other person off because it's "too heavy." Honestly, if you can't talk about the heavy stuff at the stage where you're interested in getting to know a person as "more than friends" then that's probably a good sign that you shouldn't be "more than friends." I think a lot of heartache and mistakes can be prevented with a lot of honesty before things get too intense.

If you are a single woman, and would like to be married one day, I strongly suggest you start doing your research into who God would want you to be. Not just for a husband, but for yourself. When you figure yourself out, you are better able to figure out what you want; what you can and can't live with. 

Lastly, I was given a good piece of advice about preparing for marriage by a young single man. "Women always concentrate on looking for the right man, but how many are concentrating on becoming the right woman?"

a rant about self-image

I am on Pinterest. 

I love it! I think that there are so many delicious meals to cook, crafts to sew, things to make from pallets, and ideas for decorating that can all be found in one place. It makes searching the web just a little bit easier.

However there is something that really bothers me about it. What bothers me is how many of my friends have pin boards on being motivated to be skinny. 

I don't have a problem with eating right, and being fit. I think God gave us lives that we should take care of as much as he has provided for us to take care of them. I just have a problem with how obsessed women tend to get about their looks.

I even have a friend who cares so much what she looks like that she thinks her husband won't love her if she doesn't work out. How sad for her, that her self-worth is so wrapped up in what she looks like.

1 Peter 3:4-6
[godly women] but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

This is very interesting because when Peter wrote this, the Roman empire was at its peak. Philosophers were writing and teaching. They were worshiping the gods of Homer's Iliad and Odyssey (the Romans, not Peter). Technology had progressed so far and it took ages after the fall of the empire to recover it. These people weren't far behind the way American culture exists today. There was just as much perversion, sex, entertainment, and violence. 

I say all of this because it seems that whenever anyone wants to bring up the S word - submission - I tend to hear the excuse, "Oh well the culture was much different back then." I believe this to be a very weak excuse.

Peter was a man and a sinner just like all men. He saw women the same way all heterosexual men see women today - attractive. He may have even gotten married. So when he tells women how to dress and behave biblically, he probably knows what he's talking about. 

Ladies, we need to be set apart. 

The culture around us entices us to feel like we should look a certain way. We need to not buy into it. Stay healthy and eat the things God gave us for food. Stay healthy and get out in the creation and work hard at everything you do. But it is extremely unnecessary to look like an airbrushed celebrity.

Secondly there is a list there of how we as women should look. 

- imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

How many women who are working their tails off at the gym are also working on taming their spirit? A gentle and quiet spirit doesn't mean that we need to be soft-spoken, mousy, timid women. It means to be at peace. Is your soul peaceful or are you constantly anxious, worrying, whining, or complaining about something? Are you working hard at casting those cares on Jesus? Are you even thinking about doing that? I know that as a woman there are many things for me worry, be anxious, and complain about. I'm not good at letting them be either. But rather than being concerned about a flat tummy, I should be looking into getting peace for my spirit.

- the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

Wow! Do you call your husband lord?

I started. Seriously. And it's kind of fun. He likes it. He finds it encouraging and sweet.

I know ladies who say they submit to their husbands, and yet I see them being very nagging and controlling nonetheless. 

Submission is happy obedience. It is letting someone else be in control. Above all, it is letting go of your own wants, desires, and expectations of the other person and giving those things to God. 

For example:

There are a lot of things that need to get done around my home, and I do a lot. It would be nice of my husband to help out with the baby/handy work/putting away his laundry/etc., whenever he is home. However, my husband also works six days a week to provide for our family to eat, dress, and have a roof over our heads. If my husband wants to relax when he gets home, is it really kind or fair of me to start nagging him to do things? If he tells me he will do something, is it really my job to monitor the time frame in which it gets done? If it doesn't get done and it is in my power to do it, I should just do it myself because it's obviously bothering me more than it is him.

Also, we are not the heads of our families, but rather our husbands are. They are responsible before God at the end of the day with how they have cared for that family. They will have to answer and give an account. Do you know how scary that is? Do you know how heavy a load that is for a man to bear? Do you really want to take that load on yourself? Therefore the choices your husband makes for you, your children, and himself may include your opinions and counsel, but they are his to make. He doesn't need your nagging or manipulation. You only make a burden and a hinderance (not a help) of yourself when you so easily do this.

You don't have to trust your husband to make good decisions. He probably will fail from time to time. However, God gave that husband to you, and He established him as your leader. Therefore you must trust God to take care of you - good or bad decisions. God will work all things for your good (Rom. 8:28)

- And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening

This all goes back to not worrying, trusting God, and finding peace.

How are you doing on working on your heart?