all the single ladies

Before I met my husband, I was single. I never had a real boyfriend.

There were guys I had kissed, but none of them seemed to want to be in a relationship and those encounters quickly fizzled. I was constantly perplexed about why other girls could get a guy to be willing to be their boyfriend and I could not.

For a while I decided that I didn't want/need a boyfriend, and that things were much better being single. I didn't need a man to validate my existence because I knew that Jesus loved me as I was. And no, Jesus was/is not my boyfriend. This phase went very well for me.

During my time of focused single-hood I made a lot of really monumental decisions for my life. I decided that I didn't want a boyfriend until I met the man who would be my husband. In order to make sure that happened and I didn't go falling for every handsome face that seemed like a godly man, I made a list of qualities I knew I would require in a mate.

I don't remember all of them, but a couple of them were:

• A man who is a reformed Christian
• A man who'd be willing to forego all forms of birth contraceptives
• A man who'd let me homeschool the kids
• A man who wouldn't let me be in control
• etc.

I had been praying (and I still pray this way) that the Lord would form me into the kind of woman that woman was meant to be - woman before the fall and sin. I also prayed for a spouse who would be the man as Adam and men in general were meant to be - before the fall and sin. Now I am not now, nor was I ever foolish enough to think that I would become the perfect woman or find the perfect man. I just know that there is a design that God intended for both men and women in the beginning, and I don't think His purpose has changed ever since. 

I started reading the Word, and trying to understand what that might entail.

This was a really good exercise for me because as I started learning, the more the Lord was able to work on my heart and change my attitudes (quite frankly, He's still doing that). When you start researching gender roles in Scripture, you can't help but read about marriage, submission, leadership, etc. 

When I finally did meet my husband, things went quite a bit different. I played hard to get instead of leaving the door wide open. It was a challenge for him to figure out if he liked me and if I was worth leaving his family to travel half-way across the country to court me. We hashed out our pasts and offered each other forgiveness. We talked about the things that were deal breakers, and the things we'd be willing to sacrifice for the other person before getting into the relationship at all. 

I have found that a lot of people become unhappy in their marriages and divorce because they start to realize that their spouse wants something different than they do, or that they had no idea about this or that aspect of the person until it's too late. They don't talk about the important things at the beginning because they don't want to frighten the other person off because it's "too heavy." Honestly, if you can't talk about the heavy stuff at the stage where you're interested in getting to know a person as "more than friends" then that's probably a good sign that you shouldn't be "more than friends." I think a lot of heartache and mistakes can be prevented with a lot of honesty before things get too intense.

If you are a single woman, and would like to be married one day, I strongly suggest you start doing your research into who God would want you to be. Not just for a husband, but for yourself. When you figure yourself out, you are better able to figure out what you want; what you can and can't live with. 

Lastly, I was given a good piece of advice about preparing for marriage by a young single man. "Women always concentrate on looking for the right man, but how many are concentrating on becoming the right woman?"

where does she find the time?

I remember growing up, and my mother's friends would hear about all the things my mom did at home.

- home schooled 7 of her 8 children at once
- bakes her own bread
- cooks her meals from scratch
- makes her own soap
- sewed and knit clothes for her kids (matching outfits on Easter and for family photos were the worst)
- painted oil paintings
- milked a cow
- showed rabbits
- makes home made birthday/Christmas gifts
- probably more things I can't remember

Her friends would always ask, "Where does your mother find the time?"

First of all, she didn't do all of these things at the same time. When most of her kids were really small, my parents only had one car, so had no choice but to stay home all day. As we got older, her older children were able to help her mind the little ones. It was just a natural family dynamic for a large family.

Next, mom wasn't a bad housekeeper, but she wasn't super picky either. The floor got vacuumed, but nothing ever got dusted. The table was cleared (when we weren't eating, crafting, or doing school work), but there were always cluttered countertops, microwave, and fridge. Those things weren't priority over our education, health, or frugality (if it was cheaper for her to make it, she would spend the time to do it).

As we got older, mom would drive us to and from work (sometimes 4 kids to 4 different jobs at different times of the day).

Where did she find the time? She sacrificed it. She laid down the things that most women would choose to do with their lives - going out frequently with friends, shopping for herself, going to the movies, getting a 9-5 job, working out at the gym, getting her hair done at the salon, etc. Instead she stayed home and was a selfless servant to her family because she considered it a higher calling to serve them.

Titus 2:3-5 - Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

When I was younger, my mother first fell in line with that of a younger woman. She stayed and worked in her home, tending to her family. I watched as she learned to be submissive to my father, and how the Lord taught her self-control and purity. Now mom is an older woman. All but one of her children are adults; two of them are married with children and one is about to become married. She is the wife of my father who is now an elder in our church. Her Christian responsibilities are now changing to that of teaching the younger women of the church. But she still stays home.

The sad part about the state of the Church today is that the older women, after raising their families, go back out to work. Mostly because they think they aren't needed at home. They also don't think the church has need of them with all of these young hip women who have careers and who know what they want out of life. Young women, we don't let the older women know they are needed. Instead we are looking for groups of women from our own age demographic and who lead the same lifestyles so our children can play together and we can gossip...I mean have bible studies.

Ok, maybe that was a bit harsh. What's wrong with having Christian friends our own age with children for our own to play with? Nothing. Only, we just don't seem to value the wisdom that an older woman in the faith can offer, and we may not like what they have to teach us, but when we do this we dishonor them. We should be honoring these women.


Dear women of God,


If it is at all possible, stay home. The Word teaches that young women should work at home. Not to go out and work. This is a worldly mentality that has been taught and excepted as a result of feminism.


Feminism teaches that women are strong and independent. Women are strong (so strong), but they are not independent. The woman was created to be a companion to man; a helper. She was created for him, and not him for her (Genesis 2:18, 22; 1 Corinthians 11:9).


Our husband is our purpose. We were created to help him fulfill his goals, and his dreams. This may mean that we will be required to lay our goals and dreams down at the feet of the Lord. The Lord may require us to let them go altogether. It is hard to swallow that, but we are strong. Remember? This isn't to say that God will make your life miserable. If He does require you to give up your dreams, then He will cause you to embrace, not resent, those of your husbands...if you are willing to submit.


The Word also teaches that the husband is the head if the home and therefore, if he asks you to go to work, then you should submit. If he asks you to go and work, then he takes the responsibility of your being away from home on himself. I'm not saying it is sinful to do this. I am only saying it is the man's responsibility and his choice for you.


If we are unmarried, we are under the authority of our fathers. He will be accountable to the Lord for our actions and behaviors. If our father is dead, then our authority is our mother and our church pastor/elders. Widows fall under the church authority category, and divorced women should go back to their fathers.


Love, your sister,
Nicki

intro

This is my blog about biblical femininity. This subject is very close to my heart.

I have been on a long journey over the past eleven years of learning what it means to be a woman as God meant for women to be. I am still learning. In fact the more I learn, the more I find I need to keep learning.

I started out as a rebellious girl who was depressed, and then became a Christian. Now I am a married woman and new mother to a girl of my own.

I don't make any pretenses as to being perfect or even good at being a biblical woman. I only wish to share what I have learned, and what God keeps teaching me. This is a service to you, should you desire to learn biblical femininity, and a future service to my daughter.

I also wish to learn from you, should you have any comments that would further lift up biblical femininity and dispel the lie of feminism that has creeped into the hearts of Christs Bride, the Church.